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Week 8

 Officially in week eight of not-feeling-so-hot.  I'm still not fixed.  

There are good times and there are bad times, which is certainly an improvement in that those good times exist.  

Part of what really bothers me at the moment is Prednisone.  This drug is officially fucking with my brain.  I've seen it do it to my father, a friend of the family or two.  There was a point on Friday where I wanted to bite everyone's head off for no actual reason.  I'm not sure if I'm lachrymose right now because I'm actually upset or because the drugs are tweaking again.  
I have REASONS to be upset and maybe I've reached a point where I cannot take shoving it away any longer and need to cry it out...or it could just be the drugs.  
I don't know.  My body's signals are all kinds of messed up right now, where I cannot tell if I'm hungry or in pain or full but chances are I should just try to sleep through it anyway.

I think I've officially decided that I'm not going on choir tour.  I'm mourning that loss.  I want to go to Canada and Niagara Falls and Cedar Point and these random churches with these youths I've just started to get to know with music that I've enjoyed learning for the past few months.  It was going to be a good adventure, spent with some of my good camp friends and corresponding hijinks.  
But I'm not fixed yet.  And when I have those bad moments, I need to stop and hit the narcotics, cuddle up with my heating pad at the very least.  When I need a restroom break, it's anywhere from two to thirty minutes.  And I just don't have the energy.
So my summer has officially not kicked off so much as I would have planned.  The prednisone also makes my cheeks blimp out which annoys the crap out of me.  And it also messes with my internal temperature so I feel o'erwarm.  And I'm not tasting things like how they are.  REALLY hate said drug.

But yeah, like I was saying, my summer's not going as I had originally planned.  I'm signed up to do lifeguard training this week.  I don't know if I can actually do it.  I'm pretty worried.  But I have the sense that if I can at least get the certification, I can at least salvage part of my summer.  On an emotional level, I need to do it.  I'm still not sure if I have the actual ability to make it through five days of eight hours each.  

Today, I swam some and went to a movie with my family; all in all, totally worn out in four hours.  Eight weeks.  I'm scheduled for a colonoscopy in another two because we don't know why I'm still broken.  I still think being sedated for a week while my body gets a chance to figure itself out again is not a bad idea.

That all being said, prayers and happy thoughts, please.  Feeling down at the moment.


Is "FML" an acceptable subject title?

Hi, all.  
Yeah, I haven't updated in a while and now I have a condensed whine.  

My Crohn's has flared up.  It's only the third time in the eleven years I've been dealing with this disease, so all in all, my track record is pretty good.  However, this still sucks.  I've already done a week in the hospital, and (so far) for two weeks after I've been pretty much glued to the couch.  I'm to the point where I'm starting to recognize CSI and Law and Order episodes.  

Right now, low grade narcotics and a heating pad are getting me through another day that was, well, exactly the same as yesterday.  

On the plus side, my skin issues that had been acting up with the Crohn's are like small-time crime:  there's too much heat in the city so they're laying low and consequently going away.  
So far, I've lost at least twenty pounds, meaning that when this is all said and done, I'll probably keep some of that off, not that I would ever recommend this kind of method to ANYONE.
I get stories read to me most every night.  
Work is understanding enough to keep me on but not pressure me to be there, if that makes sense.   They won't schedule me until I'm ready to actually work again.  

Jury is still out as to whether or not my summer is shot to hell.  I'm supposed to go on choir tour in a couple of weeks to Canada, by route of Cedar Point, Niagara Falls, and all kinds of adventuring with some of my good camp friends.  Not sure that's going to happen.
Was planning on living at East Bay and working as a lifeguard but cannot make/am not bodily able for training.  I don't exactly have a lot of gumption at the moment.  

Oh, and ISU wants to give me an 'F' in one of my classes, since I couldn't do the final paper.  You can bet I'm pissed as hell about that.  And it's not going to fly.

In essence:  right now, I'm taking a moment to indulge in negative feelings because I nearly drove myself insane last time wearing the bloody brave face.  I can feel however I want to feel and however I need to feel.  Usually, I go with humor and optimism, but I don't have to.  Simple, but it helps me a hell of a lot.  

So as to what's happening physically right now, I think I've still got something big-ish left, meaning either another stint in the hospital, some new treatment, or (I have an unsupported hunch toward) surgery.  I'm still losing weight, still in pain, and pumped full of chemicals.  Eating should never be so complicated.

I'm just tired in so many ways.  I think the best POA is to give me a sedative and let me sleep for a week so my body can figure itself out again.

I don't like asking for it, but prayers and happy thoughts, please.  I need it.  I know I have a ton of people praying for me and vibing already, and I cannot tell you how much that means to me.  A simple card and a quick hello really pulls me out.  
Much love, all.


The World as it stands

So the world continues to spin, and I continue to find new adventures wherever they are to be had.
  • I definitely prefer working and going to school as opposed to just school, even if some of my classes are still my text/get other work done times. Tending to care less about my grades overall as we go and have realized that this is not the end of the world.
  • A thought occurred to me the other day: perhaps where I am is exactly where I need to be. This was incredibly reassuring and though I loathe jumping through hoops, I can do so with a better sense of optimism and purpose and otherwise stop looking for something else.
  • Have recently discovered Yoga and that I kind of like it a lot.
  • Trying to figure out what to do about Heyworth EMS.
  • Cannot, for love nor money, figure out how to get to the 4th Level page. Checked one day a while ago and couldn't remember, thought to wait and look with fresh eyes, still can't figure it out. Fail.
  • In the writing sense, been dabbling about with editing my novel. Need to devote some real time.
  • ISU tried to screw over my scheduling for the next bit of forever.
  • Have realized that now since I'm less addicted to Mafia Wars on Facebook, I suddenly have a lot more time to do things.
  • Submitted an application to be a lifeguard this summer in addition to BBW. Think this should work, interested to see how things play out.
Somehow, things still manage to get done.
...anyone alive out there?



Hey, all!

I'm feeling much more optimistic about this term. I now have a better idea of what to expect and how ISU operates. I've tried a few other avenues, and as none of them work either, I think this is probably where I'm supposed to be. ;) May sound strange, but I find it reassuring.
Also am keeping my job at Bath & Body Works, which helps fill the gaps that academia used to fill a little more satisfyingly (if that makes sense) and otherwise relieves a lot of stress just to have an income and not feel as though I am only leaking money. And I like being busy.

Yes, much more optimistic indeed.
Also have finished my NaNoWriMo novel and looking to start editing that suckah, even doing some doodles that I'm considering for cover art.

My little brother and I are reading Othello, which apparently sounds pretentious but we're having a blast. Barbantio sounds like Sean Connery, Cassio is a random Scot (me), Iago and Othello are normal by default (for sheer quantity of lines), Desdemona has a deep voice (though much like her father), Bianca is like so totally valley girl, Emilia is nasally, all places where multiple people speak are announced in a monotone, yeah, we have some good times.

Making some new friends, too, including someone my boss tried to set me up with (and already had a girlfriend).

Trying to figure out what's going to happen Spring Break...

That's it for the moment. Take care, all.



The long and short of it:
ISU is not a good fit for me, but I'm kind of resigned. Just some hoops that must be jumped through.
Back at Bath & Body Works for the holiday season and would not mind staying on during the school year as do not feel am being challenged academically so my time must otherwise be taken up.
(Also do not like semesters though I do enjoy texting during geology).
Was planning on going to class for Paramedic, but the cancelation of that class has pushed that thought off yet again. Furthermore, have yet to hear back from any service that I've applied to. EMT-Basic market is quasi-flooded at the moment. Am coming to possible conclusion of "this might just be the wrong time in my life" to pursue such goals.
Merge, the Wesley Foundation (UMC ministry), is the only thing really tying me to campus.
Mike and I are reading Othello. He's looking at going to IWU.
Realizing that I cannot fiscally move out any time soon, potentially next fall, maybe.
Also realizing that I won't be going back to camp next summer.
Boss (from camp) has had her baby. Adorable.
Getting to know some people better.
Up to 85 people on my "game," the one where I count people I know walking across ISU campus. Number 100 will get either ice cream or coffee.
Only writing project I am currently pursuing is my NaNoWriMo which I intend to finish by the end of break. It's helping me work through the some of the "what is going on with my life?" things, actually, now that I look at it.
My grandfather has been sick. Worried.

Am overall okay. Just not where I want to be, precisely. But this is an uncertain time. I have a direction--some roadblocks, yes, but nothing impossible . This period is simply what it is and I have to allow some things to just happen rather than attempt to control everything. So, in essence, I guess I've learned a thing or two about myself this term at any rate. Adjusting and resignation is done. Time to start looking up in a new year.

Will also hopefully beg for an explanation on how to get stories up on LJ, but not before I read and consider other pieces up.


SO I'm failing at updating again, again

I WILL WRITE AN ACTUAL UPDATE ON LIFE AND WRITING SOMETIME THIS WEEK, HOPEFULLY TOMORROW. Ah, and by the "AND WRITING" bit there, I mean that I'm going to try and put up a small piece of my NaNoWriMo for T4L to laugh at, since I have (as NaNo goes) not edited a thing; this does hinge on my memory of HOW to do this.

Now, though, I need to get some sleep before Christmas with Mom's side of the family in about...way too soon. Best get to sleep.

Love, all.


What I Am Up To

The world as it stands has taken me to some interesting places.
Camp this summer was ridiculous, as per usual and expected. I'm not sure whether or not I'll be going back again next year, but this is what I said at the end of last summer, too. We'll see what life does. I thoroughly enjoyed being Songbird, adopting the nickname "Birdie" at one point. I kind of like it.

Guy I really like and I decided that we'd just be good friends. I was a little disappointed, but I'm content. Plus now I don't have to worry about dropping hints.

Instead, I've been worrying about employment. I've applied to a hospital in hopes to be an ER tech. All I know is that my application has been received. I could totally sell myself if they will only bring me in for an interview. I really want a job where I can use my EMT skills.

Actually, I think I really just want a job. ISU does not expect as much of me as Knox did. At least, that's the impression the first week of classes gave me. In a strange twist of fate, Physics might be one of my favorites this term, my teaching class also a potentiality. I'm simply used to being busier than this, too. Maybe I should do homework or something. Perhaps I'll find their fencing club meets at a reasonable time.

Merge meets at a reasonable time. Merge is the Wesley Foundation, United Methodist Ministry. Church on Wednesday, Sunday night meal, social events, and a place to hang out that's essentially always open (with free wireless). All the guy counselors I worked with this summer are there, too, so that's been helpful in trying to get established. In trying to find a routine.

Routine recently disrupted in that I'm running around in circles with some of my medical fun-ness. Huzzah. Need to channel that frustration into polite phone calls enquiring about progress.

Thinking about channeling that extra time to writing. What a swell idea. I might have an idea or several. Too bad I'm hoarding them for NaNoWriMo.

More thoughts as they occur to me. In addition to stories of demon vehicles, pulling thorns out of feet, and other adventures.

Oh the adventure as it continues. Life as it stands.


Just to say...

Great googily moogily, I'm alive! I swear.



I'm writing from home, with all of my stuff needing to be unpacked before I repack for camp on Monday.

...wait, did that all just happen?

The rain began during the commencement address, and our cardboard hats wilted. I was nearly dry by the time we made it out of the recession.

I think there was some photographic evidence.

Each goodbye hug was repeated once at least. No tears unless someone else was around to start them; then we were all lost.

Which face belonged to which family member of which friend?

Do you guys really know how much your friendship means to me?
Have I failed to mention it?

I apologize that my brain is going everywhere at once about now. Heck, I'm surprised I've managed to be this coherent. This last week has been. My God, it has been.

These last four years have been.

My door, my ears, my arms are always open, sappily and seriously.

The next meeting will be. It will be. (Still, I miss you already.)

I can think of nothing more to say. A strange, buzzing sort of coma raises above myself. (If I don't think, the weepiness stays away. [Too late])

With love.



Hey, all.

So, senior portfolio has eated me and thus I have not updated until now. It was a precaution, actually, avoiding livejournal and all sorts of temptations I might find.
And then I found Mafia Wars on Facebook and it was all downhill from there.

Still, senior portfolio is done, and I'm pretty much done.
We had our last fencing party last night and had a toast, everyone taking a turn to say something about everyone around the circle. I was last. There were tears. It's starting already.
Four years of my life. Not gone in a flash, necessarily, but paced as time is wont to flow. It is time to move on, and, goodness, I have enjoyed these years. My circle of friends has globbed into a giant, happy mess of people rather than scattered parties, and I've had to promise several people that I will come back and visit Knox next year, in addition to homes scattered about the midwest.

What can be said? There are so many stories I could bring up and laugh all over again, so many adventures, and the cuddle-piles, oh the cuddle-piles. I will always take it with me.

Here's to you, my friends. My love, my friendship, and whatever else (within reason, because I know the gang well enough to qualify that) I can give you. My life's been weird, dropping me into strange places and situations; I think we'll see each other again. Goodbye for now until we meet again.